fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
