i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
