There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
