We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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