Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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