someone get that fucking seahorse.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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