Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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