I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
