hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
