last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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