Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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