what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize