haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
