I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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