every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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