Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
