sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
