I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
