Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
