fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
