I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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