how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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