He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
