just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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