so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dear god my vagina.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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