he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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