I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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