I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
