Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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