I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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