You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
