dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
