four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
