I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
