Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
