if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I will pee on everything he values.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
