The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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