I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
