We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
