You can't special order awesome
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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