I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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