i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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