Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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