he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
