I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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