True but thats because hes a fetus.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
