lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
