just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize