When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
