I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
