Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
