I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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