you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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