Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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