Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
