Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
