Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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