I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
