I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
